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...on a blanket with my baby is where i'll be

Saturday, November 22, 2003

Tyler called me 'baby girl'. He hasnt done that since sophemore year. Its wierd. We are both confused... and we love each other in a way that no one will ever understand. Hes one of the best friends I have, and it'll be this way forever, and not any other way. It just makes me feel like a baby girl when he calls me that. and he knows it... cruel boy.

Monday, November 17, 2003

Hi Hi Hi Hi Hi!!!!!!!!!

Where are you? I have been looking all over- everywhere. All day long I look out the window and I wait & wait but you never come home. Smokie says he is not looking out the window, he is “guarding” yeah right!!!!

I have been really good. I have been taking care of mom- I tell her whenever anything happens, a car, or a person or anything at all outside I tell her. Sometimes she is kind of tired though and tells me to be quite and go back to bed. She’s not mad though…

Galina came over!!!!! Boy I was sooo happppeeee to see her. She smelled GREAT!
She kept Mom company for a while cause mom didn’t feel good. But then mom felt better.

Smokie pooped in the house. I told him not to- but he was too tired to go outside.
Uh-oh, Mom is yelling- somebody pooped by the door again. Not Me!!!

Mommie said I am a bad dog, I am not a bad dog- I just can’t help it- it’s cold out and wet!!!!! I have accidents. But I’m a good dog huh?

Well you can see you’re needed here, there is no one to stick up for me. Where did you say you were again? Can I come see you? Is it raining?

Ok- mom says I have to go now. She is kind of cranky- cause of Smokie I think.
I sure miss you boy, Smokie misses you too. I think Hazel even misses you. (she is really violent)

When you get home I am going to lick you so much!!!!!

Your best friend
Noodle head (Mac)
Dear Boy,

Well, where the heck ya been? Life without you is not the same.
Most of the time I walk around with one of your socks in my mouth- cause I miss your smell- but mom keeps washing them- so that isn’t working as well as it was. Also- you would not believe how often I need to drop the sock to do something else and then I forget where I put the godamm sock!

It has been raining and that dope Mac didn’t want to go out in the rain the other day so he pooped in the house- right by the door- Mom was pissed- but as usual- the spoiled brat didn’t even get smacked- she just gave him the old “bad dog” guilt trip.
Hazel is her usual self- maybe even worse- if Mac or I go anywhere near Mom at bedtime she attacks us. There are wounds all over my face. I hate that cat. But mom wants us all up there so we endure that cat for her- cause we really love mom.

Once in awhile mom opens your door & I go in there right away & jump on the new bed- another thing that doesn’t smell right- and she vacuums it once a week- I don’t know why- you know how weird she is. I just want to smell you- is that so much to ask?

Your hottie girlfriend came over last week for dinner- our dinner- not hers. She scooped up a mere amount of food- barely enough for us to live on- but she walked us so that made up for it.
Mac is fine- he is the same weirdo he has always been- what kind of a dog hates to get his feet wet? How stupid is that? Then whenever I am busy- patrolling or guarding, he goes and cuddles with mom. He is such a wus. But he is the best friend I have so I guess I love him- but jeez I-M-A-T-U-R-E!

Mom has not taken us to the park in a long time. She goes bye bye without us sometimes or we all just stay home, but sometimes she walks us at night now. I miss the park though. I even miss those little ankle biters.

Ok, well I have to tell you writing this letter with my nose has been very challenging,
Noodle said he is going to try, but I bet he misspells everything.

Come home soon boy- I really miss your smell.

Love,
Your Big Dog
Smokie

Tuesday, November 11, 2003

There arent too many things I wouldnt give up to see Nick. To touch his face, to kiss his lips to be held and loved and to hold and to love him. There's a pain inside of my body. It comes from the mind. From deep inside. It spreads thruout my entire being. It screams of the lonelyness. I miss him, I'm missing a part of me.
No one gets it. No one cares. I need to talk to someone. There isnt anyone to talk to.
I'm breaking. Breaking with out Nick. Breaking.

Monday, November 10, 2003

home.uchicago.edu/~hra/rejected.wmv
EvilRussianSpy: ;-)
AFVayne: :-D
AFVayne: O:-)
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AFVayne: :-D
AFVayne: ;-)
EvilRussianSpy: :-*
AFVayne: =-O
AFVayne: :-(
AFVayne: >:o
AFVayne: :-[
EvilRussianSpy: :-EvilRussianSpy: O:-)
EvilRussianSpy: :-*
AFVayne: :-$
EvilRussianSpy: :-P
AFVayne: :-)
EvilRussianSpy: :-D
AFVayne: 8-)
EvilRussianSpy: :-*:-*:-*
AFVayne: ;-);-);-)
AFVayne: O:-)
EvilRussianSpy: :-X
AFVayne: :-!
EvilRussianSpy: :-P
EvilRussianSpy: =-O;-)
EvilRussianSpy: O:-)
AFVayne: :-DO:-)8-):-*
EvilRussianSpy: O:-)
EvilRussianSpy: :-*
AFVayne: :-)

ACtual conversation with andrew... and we both knew what was going on... how sad.

Wednesday, September 17, 2003

grr. Wrote a hella long post for California... and it's not posting.
Anyway, I miss NIck like no one know its possible to miss someone! Really. I cleaned his room... and while I was cleaning, I was trying to figure out how I'm going to live when he goes away. idn.. fuck this. oh well.
idn.. i didnt read his notes except for a very few,,, mostly the ones that had my name on them.. and one other one... actually i just read the last two lines... and they made me cry. Just really seems like I cant beat what she gave him. ANd Looking at his desk and finding a picture of her covering mine... i really cant deal withthat shit. I always did before, but not with him... I'm just so fucking scared to loose him.

Monday, September 15, 2003

Well new page that no one has. It's all to myslef and my own thoughts.
Gosh I miss Nick. Seriously, it's like a fucking selfdestructing mechanism... I can't function without him being next to me.
But I was reading his old lj entries.. out of curiosity and I want to ge to know him better... the way he was before we met. Seem slike he's changed a lot.
I also came to a realization that I'm never going to be what she was... one summer night sophemore year... thinking about it still makes me want to throw up. I know I'm just being paranoid.. but honestly, I feel like I'm never going to live up to his passion with her. He needed love.. he was looking for love, and he took the next best thing that came along thinking thats what it is.. but is it? He missed love meaning Erin, and wanted it back, and when I think about it I feel like I'm filling up that space and emotions that he lost by loosing her.
Whatever. I should stop typing, the more I type, the angrier I get. Not that anything is going to change anyways.

Sunday, September 14, 2003

hello again, lets see if this works
hello

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